All I got for Christmas was a miscarriage

Christmas Eve

In anticipation for Christmas, we love to watch festive movies. I’ve been trying to put a Christmas movie list together so that we tick off the movies before Christmas Day. I’d been eagerly waiting for Love Actually as I couldn’t find it on Netflix.

But lo and behold on Christmas Eve as I was flicking through the TV channels, I found Love Actually. If you haven’t watched it yet, you must! The movie focuses on Christmas from different people’s lives and how they spend it.

I had a good laugh watching Colin Firth’s character declaring his love for Aurelia in Portuguese. I shuffled out of the bed over the crinkling bed liner and made my way to the bathroom while trying to manoeuvre the drip like a reluctant trolley with shitty wheels.

I’m reminded again that this Christmas Eve, I’m alone in a hospital room. My husband had left to fetch Adriana from her aunt’s house.

12 hours earlier

We were in Pennington, the South Coast of Durban for a little getaway with my sister, her husband and baby boy.

It was our last day before we headed back home for Christmas Day at my house.

After having lunch at the clubhouse, the weather cleared up a bit so we decided to head back to the beach .We had spent the late afternoon trying to SUP (stand-up paddle board) at the tidal pool.

Adriana loved it as we tried to paddle while having her onboard. It was harder because I was afraid of falling in with Adriana because I forgot her armbands.

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That evening we packed up and got everything ready to leave early the next morning. I felt a terrible pressure in my stomach like my uterus was ready to pop. I knew something was amiss. I just had to go to the toilet. My fears were realised, I was bleeding.

Back home

We left the coast early in the morning. I thought I was slowly miscarrying but it was second time I had a bleed during this pregnancy that I had hoped it would all be fine. I slept most of the trip home so I would not have to confront the reality of my emotions.

As soon as we arrived, we dropped off Adriana at my sister and offloaded our luggage then headed straight for the hospital. It was my second trip to casualty in 12 days.

I was seen to quickly at casualty. My cervix was closed, it looked at first that I was having a repeat bleed. Everything was fine with my blood works but it was not a concrete answer as to why I was slowly bleeding again.

It was decided it was best to admit me and keep me for observation for two days. I was rather frustrated as I did not want to spend Christmas away from my little family.

I was quickly moved to the maternity ward.The gynaecologist was waiting for me in the sonar room. Finally my fears would be put to rest.

Squeeze went the ultrasound gel onto my belly as Jarred held my hand. The gynae was busy capturing screenshoots. He wanted to be thorough and did transvaginal scan. I was torn between the screen and looking away from the reality of the situation.

“There,” the doctor said and I looked. I knew immediately that there was no heartbeat as the gestational sac did not look right.

“I’m sorry, it’s a missed miscarriage.”

I was wheeled into my room and the tears welled up in my eyes. It was not how we intended to spend Christmas Eve.

The theatre was booked for 19:30, well we waited for the anaesthetist to arrive.

We quickly called to see how Adriana was, and she excitedly asked me, “Mommy, did the baby come already?”

I quickly told her, “The baby is in the stars. She wasn’t ready.”

“Oh… but will the baby come back?”, she replied.

The Aftermath

When I found out that I was pregnant, I told myself that this pregnancy would be better. I was depressed while I was pregnant with Adriana so this time around it would be different…

Why did I tell Adriana about the pregnancy? Well, physically I did not have any problems while I was pregnant with her so I did not think twice about telling her. I had received the all clear from my doctors to conceive

The little t-shirt I bought for the baby announcement is just shoved at the back of the cupboard. I’m trying to do the same with my emotions at this stage.

In my mind, I had planned everything like my maternity leave and baby names.

The baby would’ve been born at the end of July 2020. So all the baby announcements on social media lately are adding salt to my open wounds.

I understand that miscarriages happen to one in every four women which I’m certain is higher due to many women choosing to be discreet.

Right now, I am on an emotional rollercoaster. Obviously my hormones are all over and we are trying to deal with this loss as a family.

“Mommy, will the baby come back?” Adriana asks me sweetly as she presses her head on my tummy. “Yes, my love. One day”, I reply.

If you have suffered a loss, my heart goes out to you. I thought that by sharing this, I can show that you don’t need to go through your pain alone.

So the answer to the question is, “All I got for Christmas was a broken heart and a D&C.”